October 18, 2024
Natalie Kim
It was late afternoon when my brother and I were kicked out of the apartment, completely naked. I was about five years old, and my brother was three years older. Despite being warned of the consequences, we had done something so terrible that my mother decided to discipline us through shame. We lived on the 9th floor of a 10-story apartment complex in South Korea. Each time the elevator numbers changed, we raced up and down the stairs, trying to avoid running into our neighbors, whom we all knew quite well.
Looking back, I can now laugh at this childhood memory. It was an effective way for my mother to teach us about shame—that our wrongdoings affect not only us as individuals but also those around us. This lesson has stuck with me, as it demonstrated that shame goes beyond personal embarrassment; it taints our relationships with others.
Shame and Guilt
Shame is a powerful emotion, distinct from mere embarrassment or guilt. Edward R. Welch, in his book Shame Interrupted, explains the difference:
“Guilt lives in the courtroom where you stand alone before the judge. It says, ‘You are responsible for wrongdoing and legally answerable.’ Shame, on the other hand, lives in the community. It says, ‘You don’t belong—you are unacceptable, unclean, and disgraced.’”[1]
Shame can feel like momentary embarrassment, but it runs deeper, affecting a person’s sense of identity and belonging. Welch further emphasizes, “Embarrassment doesn’t afflict the core of the person’s soul, but shame becomes your identity. It touches everything about you.”[2]
Shame is also a central theme in Scripture and a core emotion humanity has experienced since the Fall in Genesis 2-3. It is the nakedness exposed by sin, the alienation from God’s grace, and the isolation from others. In this sense, shame is very much a Christian experience, as it deals with our identity and relationships—with God and with others. Shame is, in essence, a universal human experience that reveals how we relate to God and the people around us.
In contemporary cross-cultural studies, shame—often paired with honor—serves as a lens through which we can understand the values and worldviews of diverse cultures, alongside guilt/innocence and fear/power.[3] Shame and honor are especially prominent in collectivistic, community-based cultures, such as many Asian societies. However, this doesn’t mean that shame isn’t present in Western cultures—it just plays out differently.
Shame is very much a Christian experience, as it deals with our identity and relationships—with God and with others.
Shame in Individualistic and Collectivistic Cultures
Shame cannot exist apart from relationships. Whether you’re from a collectivistic or individualistic culture, shame shapes how you perceive reality through a relational lens. It fundamentally involves how others perceive your dignity and worth. In highly individualistic cultures, shame often results from personal moral failure—something a person has done. It’s viewed as a personal consequence. In more collectivistic cultures, however, shame is communal. It results from being shunned or disgraced because one’s actions have negatively affected the community. This is why, in many cultures, parenting involves not only teaching and correcting actions but also allowing children to experience shame.
There is a growing postmodern trend in parts of the world where people seem to no longer experience shame. In cultures that prioritize and celebrate self-interest, personal freedom, and rights without duties and responsibilities to serve the community, people naturally lack consideration for others, therefore leaving no room for any kind of shame.
Longing for Good Relationships
Shame is a necessary tool that God uses to teach us what a Christ-centered relationship looks like—what God originally designed and intended our relationships with Him and others to be. These are the right kinds of relationships, bound in love, honor, purity, integrity, and a right sense of pride in one another.
When people say, “I’m so proud you,” the word ‘pride’ here means a relational and personal recognition of the person, different from saying “You did a good job.” You are identifying yourself with the person’s achievements, dignity, worth, and being. The person’s achievements bring honor to the community such that their value and worth are increased together. Understanding how shame operates in different cultures can reveal a lot about human relationships and the role of community in shaping identity.
As messengers of the gospel, it is crucial to understand how shame is perceived and experienced across cultures. Doing so opens our eyes to the spiritual connections we share with others and deepens our understanding of what relationships mean in different communities.
To learn more, check out our CB+ series on honor/shame.
[1] Edward T. Welch, Shame Interrupted. (Greensboro: New Growth Press, 2001), 11.
[2] Welch, Shame Interrupted, 12.
[3] You can learn more about different cultural dynamics on CB+. (https://training.culturebound.org/)
Natalie Kim is communication and project coordinator at CultureBound. She has led culture courses for long-term missions. Currently, she is directing the Culture Tree Project for TCKs. Natalie earned her EdD in intercultural education from Western Seminary.